Bill Cressman Sywyk

[the General]

Player
Player name: the General
English language proficiency: Native Speaker
Character number:2
Faction: ORB
Requested faction membership: Yes

General

Full name: Bill Cressman Sywyk
Nickname: Master Guardian
Age: 24
Gender: Male
Race: Natural
Occupation: Military Student
Birthplace: A small town east of Kusanagi, ORB.
Citizenship: ORB
Personality: Bill is very calm and quiet. His quietness comes from his fear that any comments he will make will somehow result in him getting made fun of. This is a result of his past. This in turn has made him rather anti social in some peoples views. His shyness has a deep effect on the people around him and how they interact with him. One example is; if a group of people asked him to join in on an activity, his normal answer would be no in case he was to make a “wrong move” or make a bed decision.

He is always thinking of bad outcomes and why or why not he should do something or not do something. This in turn makes him appear as a very non self confident person. Bill would much rather be in the captain chair of a vessel than be in the "metal Coffin' that is a mobile suit. if he was placed in the situation where he needed to command, he turns from shy and uneasy to Sharp and hasty. Giving out on the spot command and controlling tough situation with ease. He can come up with brilliant strategies, even strategies of his own. He'll try his best at any moment and in any situation.

He tends to try his best to keep his sharpness and hasty side under control, as that is what got him into trouble so many times in the past. If two people are fighting he will try his very vest to break them up with his words before resulting in violent actions. Some people truly believe he is not suited for combat and tend to look down upon him.
Bill is an excellent move maker, he is always swift and silent and stays as far from close range combat as possible. He relies on tactics and stealth as well as speed and long range.
Despite the other making fun of every action he makes. Bill still thinks that one day he could be the next Representative of ORB. Even if this means sucking up all his fears.

.


Appearance

Height: 5’9’’ 175 cm
Weight: 160 lbs. 72.5 kgs
Hair Colour and Style: Bill’s hair color is a natural brown. His hair is buzzed short in the traditional military style and is kept hidden underneath his naval hat.
Eye Colour: Bill eyes are solid brownand feature no imperfections. The colour parts of his eyes have no lines in them and appear almost cartoon like.
Identifying Marks: His identifying marks are 3 self inflicted scars on the upper half of his lower right arm indicating the 3 promises he made in the past.
Skin Tone: Bill’s skin is light and pale, from being inside a ship most of the time. When he is outdoors people refer to him as a ghost just to make fun of him. But he sees his light skin as angelic.
Build: Bill is very skinny yet has slightly muscular arms.
Clothing: Bill is always seen in the standard ORB uniform. outside of the military he tend to wear all black dress shirt and black jeans, but generally keeps himself well dressed. when not well dresses he wears plain black t-shirt and sometimes a red on depending on his mood.
Handiness: Right Handed

Background

Mother: Vera Gibbons (Deceased)
Step Mother: Cheryl Kipfer (Morgenroeate Technical Devision)
Father: William Sywyk the 2nd (Mobile Suit Designer, Morgenroeate)
Siblings: Becky, Breanna
Spouse: None.
Personal History:
On February 11th C.E. 61, Vera Gibbons and William Sywyk the 2nd gave birth to Bill Cressman Sywyk the 3rd. He Born in a small Private village that was just east of Kusanagi City. Bill is the eldest of the 3 sons. Bill was given the same name as his father to carry on the family tradition. Bill came into this world unwanted and as a result of teenagers having too much alcohol.

In the Summer of C.E. 64 Bill’s Mother and Father began arguing. Their arguments were blaming each other for cheating. This ended up in a divorce, With William taking Bill, and Vera leaving, she takes the house, the belongings and the other two children Breanna and Becky.

In the winter of C.E. 64 William and Bill moved to Kusanagi city where they began living with Bill’s grandfather (William the 1st). During their 2 year stay with his grandfather Bill was diagnosed with ADHD. ADHD makes a person’s energy increase, makes them concentrate less and make their childhood life a mess.

After 2 years of living with Bill’s grandfather, William decides it’s time to live on his own and moves to a small house just 5 minutes from a small elementary school and 4 minutes from his uncles. Bill‘s father begins work in Morgonoaete. Bill entered his first year of school and was babysat by his cousin Nathan Sywyk. Nathan Sywyk was William’s Nephew. Everyday Nathan would walk Bill to school and pick him up from school till bill could walk to school on his own. After Bill passed grade 1 Nathan and his parents move away.

After the first war, William the 2nd learns of the death of his first wife Vera. Bill not knowing his real mother never felt any real feelings for her. Bill makes his first best friend at school named Samual Lyon. Bill and Sam became obsessed with war and spend all their time together.

Bill now spends his school time bullying the other students and showing no respect for his teachers only to attract attention to himself. He is suspended many times for beating other student’s, causing a ruckus in class, pushing desks over, unwanted out bursts and so on. Bill’s father heard all these reports and finally decides enough is enough and puts Bill on Ritalin, a drug used to control and calm the ADHD In CE 73 another war breaks out during the evacuation Sam looses his life. After Sam’s death Bill gets a little motivation he needs to enlist in the ORB Military. Bill’s father eventually remarries

With the help of the Ritalin Bill has calmed down and has now been taken off of it. He feels he has enough self control to be able to be calm without the uses of it. At the age of 18 Bill enlists in the ORB military hoping to one day become the captain or admiral of his own ship. Bill ambition to become a high-ranking Admiral are pure and at heart. This drives him to be one of the best in his class, always training and always studying putting school first.

This however changes when Bill meets Megan the daughter of a wealthy family who helped with the construction of the Astray series. Bill quickly become friend with Megan sharing the same interests and having the same qualities as her. Bill eventually meets Megan’s brother Erik. Bill and Erik also become friend’s. A while into the relationship with Megan. Bill meet Erik’s girlfriend Kristi. Bill eventually become attached to Kristi and begins ignoring his school. His grades slowly drop. Kristi uses the attachment to her advantage and uses Bill’s body to fulfill her desires. Wile on the bus to go home from school Erik and Megan see Bill and Kristi heading into Kristi’s home and get suspicions of the two. Finally they learn of what’s going on. And Erik immediately takes action. Erik tells Kristi and Megan to both leave Bill. Being so attached to family Megan listened to her always loyal brother and leaves Bill. Kristi to then decides to leave Bill.

Bill starts to become shy, quiet, deeply emotional and very concerned about the lives of others. Bill’s grade in school drop, he eventually drops out and puts his full attention to the military. Bill devotes all he’s got to becoming a peaceful person to make sure he never does what he did in the past ever again. Bill gets made fun of poked at and pushed around for being the small one, for being slow and not fitting into the full time military life. Bill then burns into his arms 3 scars. The scars represent Erik, Kristi and Megan and the mistakes he made. They were also promises that he would never again do the things he did.

While in the military Bill aims for two things. That one day he will become Supreme Commander and one day prove to all who made fun of him that he’s got what it takes to be the Best, and to see that no one ever feels the pain of war again. From these vows he begins calling himself “Master Guardian”. Because he believes he will something meaningful one day.

In mobile suit combat he lacks close ranged combat skills, but excels in long range precision attacks and uses his vast math skills to help predict where the enemy mobile suit is going to be. He does this by calculating speed, velocity, time, angles, and many other mathematical equations. All these equation are done on the spot making him a close match for any Coordinator.

In Ce 85 Bill is still the quiet and calm person.
Bill watching old clips of Strike Rouge and ORB’s previous and current Representatives, now become deeply attached to ORB and hopes that one day he will marry into a royal family and hopefully become the husband of a Representative. A representative who will one day ride in his own ship and whom he can protect with his own mobile suit or even a Gundam.

Because leading helping to protect ORB and being married to a representative of ORB is his “ultimate goal” he lets nothing stand in his way. “One day I will run ORB and show you all that I can do this” is his best and most used quote. William now has a new reason to live. He is always trying his best to prove himself to his other comrades and the higher ups. But most people always look down on him. They commonly tell him thing like “We don’t need a pacifist like you commanding ORB” and “your type is the reason ORB’s in this mess”

Because leading ORB with Rekia is his “Ultimate Goal” and he would let nothing stand in his way of achieving this. He is trying his best to prove himself to his other comrades and the higher ups. But most people always look down on his. They commonly tell him thing like “We don’t need a pacifist like you commanding us” and “your kind is the reason ORB’s in this mess”

[the General]

Edited adding a new part to the history and edited spelling mistakes.

[liubei013]

No offense, but I'm about to rip at this profile. (constructively) *revs chainsaw on Lancer assault rifle*

Occupation: Correct it to FREE, as it is an acronym, meaning you'd need to capitalize every letter.

Personality:

Bill is very quite. His quietness come from a fear that any comments he will make will somehow result in him getting made fun of. This is a result of his past.To go along with his quietness is his shyness.

First off, I suggest reading ALOUD parts of your profile. If you somehow ascertain that the word 'quite' means "the quality or state of being quiet" (m-w.com) it doesn't reflect too well on the rest of your profile mechanically.

You mentioned his 'shyness' yet you don't go beyond that. You simply made a barely visible connection between his quiet personality and shyness. I suggest either removing that section about his shyness or emphsize that point further. (Such as: "How does his quiet behavior influence his interactions with other people? <-- Just one sample question that you can 'answer' to elaborate)

He is always thinking of bad outcomes and why or why not he should do something or not do something. This in turn makes him a very pacifist person who prefers to Captain a ship over piloting a mobile suit.

It seems he's less of a pacifist and more of a PESSIMIST. And the preference of being a ship Captain...if you meant military ship, then someone pessimistic and indecisive as your character you described would be INappropriate for such an occupation.

At one time he can be quiet and shy and with the turn of top, can become sharp and hasty. He tends to try his best to keep his sharpness and hasty side under control, as that is what got him into trouble so many times in the past. If two people are fighting he will try his very vest to break them up with his words before resulting in violent actions. People truly believe he is not suited for combat and tend to look down upon him.

'Sharp and hasty' how? How does this contrast to his quietness and shyness? Also, you mentioned 'At one time...' meaning it was a singular event, rather than a rare occurrence. If that's not the case, I suggest rephrasing that.

Using the word 'People' like that means you control other people's opinions based on the profile. Also, it is too absolute. There's no way every man, woman, and child share the same opinion(s).

Bill truthfully believes that he alone has what it takes to run ORB and is trying his best to prove that to his superior officers and all his comrades. But people still don’t believe him and still turn their heads to him. Their common things said are “We don’t need a pacifist like you commanding us” and “your kind is the reason ORB’s in this mess”.

I don't care either way if a character has 'delusions of grandeur' but I'm curious how in heck Bill believes in that if he's worried about what he says out of fear of being made fun of.

Bill has a very high obsession with Representative Rekia. His reason for obsessing with Rekia is because she holds the most power and is the current representative of ORB. Rekia is his reason to exist and is what drives him to wanting to run ORB. “I'll Show You All That I Have What It Takes Do Do This” is his best and most used quote.

This section can pretty much replace your History's last paragraph, rather than as part of the Personality.

Appearance:

Bill’s skin is light and pale, From being inside a ship most of the time. When he is outdoors people refer to him as a ghost Also to make fun of him. But he sees his light skin as Angelic.

You got some odd capitalizations here and there when they aren't necessary. The word 'also' is indicative of 'yet' another reason, not the same train of thought, so it is awkward/unnecessary in the sentence. Also, you're supposed to describe the character, not their own opinions.

Build

Bill is very skinny yet has muscular arms.

Be more specific. How muscular? Average? Bulky?

Bill is always seen in black version of the standard ORB uniform

No.

Step Mother: Cheryl Kipfer (Morgenoeate Technical Collage – Replaced Mathew Creetus Waltfeld)

What's with the Mathew reference?

History:

Vera Gibbons and Willam Sywyk the 2nd are the parent of William Cressman Sywyk the 3rd born on February 11th C.E. 61.

Typos/Mispellings.

Bill is the eldest of the two sons and being the first he carries on the name of his father and grandfather both named William Sywyk.

Using the first name of a character with 1st, 2nd, and 3rd is generally misleading. Be specific as to which.

At the age of 3 William the 2nd and Vera Gibbons got a divorced. The Divorce was caused by Vera cheating on William the 2nd. This forced William and his son William the 3rd to move from their home in Smooth Rock Falls, Kusanagi Island. To their new home on Onogoro island. At the age of 5 Bill was diagnosed with ADHD a disorder which made the child very hyperactive and made it very hard for them to concentrate on 1 task for a long period of time.

Lots of typos.
Onogoro Island is not a residential/civilian zone. You need to elaborate on how such an occupation was possible in the first place. In proper writing, the use of numbers less than twenty or thirty should be in word form, not numerical form. ('One' instead of '1')

Living in Gistvi a small town east of the Morgonroeate facility, William the 2nd begun work at Morgonoaete. William the 3rd entered his first year of school and was babysat by his cousin Nathan Sywyk. William was always hyperactive and would always interfere with the other students. .

Okay...you pulled a random nonexistent town out of your a**. No.
For a supposed Orbie, I found it offensive that you mispelled Morgenroete...ESPECIALLY SINCE IT'S SPELLED CORRECTLY OUT IN THE OPEN AT THE ROLEPLAY BOARDS.
The cousin...what relation? (father's brother's son?) And details, man, details! How did he interfere with the other students?

After the first war, William the 2nd learns of the death of his first wife Vera. William the 3rd makes his first best friend at school names Samual Lyon. William and Sam become obsessed with war and spend all their time together. William now spends his school time bullying the other students and showing no respect for his teachers. He is suspended many times. In CE 73 another war breaks out during the evacuation Sam looses his life.

I knew it. Your use of ADHD was a gimmick. There was no further details about adjustments William (3rd) would have needed to make to deal with and perhaps treat ADHD. The same goes for how Bill 3rd affected his father.
"William now..." No. Past tense. No reason behind his sudden bullying?
At last sentence: Typos and sentence structure. Not to mention no mention as to how Samuel's death affected William 3rd.

At the age of 18 Bill enlists in the Free Forces hoping to one day become captain and admiral of his own ship. Bill has now calmed down quite a bit over the years. His ambitions where pure, he was a dedicated soldier obeying every order, taking down all targets in simulation and always performing at the top of his class.

Same issues previously addressed: ADHD, Personality, and Bullying.

William while in training meets Megan Miller one of the body guards to the current Representative. William and Megan begin dating and eventually go out. During this relationship Megan helps William become calmed and hold in his anger. William meets Kristi Pollard the top close range combat student.

Comma after 'Miller' before 'one' in the first sentence.
Uh...last I checked, 'dating' and 'going out' meant the same exact thing.
As for the calming and anger...as mentioned before, there was no mention nor any previous connection.
And the last sentence does not belong at all in this paragraph.

After deeply falling for Kristi, William starts seeing her and eventually ignores Megan. Megan knowing something was going on tells her brother and friend of William to follow him home one day. This is where Megan finds out about Kristi. Through William Erik eventually begins dating Kristi.

What the <bleep>. No details as to why he suddenly fell for Kristi, no mention of Megan's brother name until later, also no mention about Erik dating Kristi, and you need a comma in the last sentence.

After hearing all the lies William had told him Megan. Erik tells Megan to leave William and then tells Kristi to leave William both in the most brutally way possible. William is awarded a special medal for being the first Natural to be able to sucessfully use and program the Dragoon System developed for Coordinators.

Misuse of an adverb. As for Dragoons...no.

After Kristi leaves William. William goes into a state of pure change. Leaving behind his happiness and his love for war, entering state of even more calmness. William begins to become anti social, deeply emotional and very concerned about the lives of others.

Too many d**n fragments. (incomplete sentences) You mention 'his love for war' yet you only had a vague connection WAY back with his friend, Samuel. Calmness seems to conflict with being 'deeply emotional.'

Feeling no reason to ever love again he leaves Megan before she can get back at him. Then devotes all he’s got left to becoming a peaceful person. His grades in the military school drop, William becomes one of the lowest student and gets made fun of poked at and pushed around. William then burns into his arms 3 scars. The scars represent Erik, Kristi and Megan and the mistakes he made. They were also promises that he would never again do the thing he did.

@2nd sentence: Uh. Why?
@3rd: PAST tense.

William aims for two things. That one day he will become Supreme Commander and one day prove to all who made fun of him that he’s got what it takes to be the Best, and to see that no one ever feels pain again. From these vows he begins calling himself “the General” Other cadets love to pick on William’s easy to get at personality and get enjoyments out of it.

Sentence structures in this entire paragraph as well as word choice needs to be worked on.

@Last paragraph: See issue about last paragraph in Personality. Also, more details.

It'd be nice to say you're "almost there" but then I'd be lying.
*turns off Lancer chainsaw*

[the General]

describing my life is hard. yes i have adhd, yes im shy, but still have this burning amibtion to prove someone wrong.

and why cant he be the first natural to be able to use the dragoon system.

i have a cimplicated life, and hard parts to explain, i will try my best to keep it the same. i was trying to explain his as having two side to himself. but no a split personality. like he has two train of thoughts. proving himself worthy, but at the same time hiding all his emotions as best he can so he doesnt get made fun of or have bad consiquences from his lack of self control.

and if half of this is a no then mine and konigs extended is a no and Zer le black of zaft will probally be a no.

[liubei013]

If you're incorporating elements of your own life into this profile, it is even more important to maintain consistency and sufficient details to make this profile more 'genuine.'

As for Dragoons...since when did Orb actually develop them for general use? (And no, Akatsuki does not count.)

[the General]

@dragoons, they didnt, he just knwos how to use them. just in case. its something unique i thought ide toss in there, that wasnt way over the limits.

[liubei013]

It is a bit random, actually, as ZAFT were the first to pioneer and utilize the system. (Though original version was done by OMNI through naturals with spatial awareness...long before William 3rd was out of his diapers.) You seem to be grasping for straws by putting in some meaningless achievement. I suggest something more relevant, perhaps something to do with his academy and/or military career.

[the General]

well other people wouls say ehs the best at beam weapons or close combat fighting. so i made him the ebst at something unique that wouldent greatly affect the storyline. other than that hes got one hell of a accurate shot

[liubei013]

But your examples show immediate effects. Note that others (including some of my profiles) indicate a specialization and/or proficiency with those types, NOT an absolute mastery.

And as I mentioned before, your chosen 'accomplishment' has nothing do to with Orb/FREE. Hence my suggestion of choosing something more relevant. It's like listing in your RL résumé your previous occupations and such before adding, "Oh, I can also ride a unicycle while balancing plates on long sticks." Sure, it's an accomplishment, but it has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with the job you're applying for. (Unless it's the circus.)

EDIT: And you're focusing WAY too much on this when you have, oh, the rest of the profile to work on.

[the General]

uh im wroking on both, and im gonna say hes the first natural to use the dragoon system, which yes is irrelavant but sure why the hell not add it. and hes gonna be good at precision attacks and very good at rail guns